iimpavid | Recent Entries

I've been working for a while on the whole "chronic pain" thing. I got rid of my ovaries and have engaged regularly in physical therapy (for both my back and pelvic floor), yoga, and massage...

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Current Mood: awake
Current Location: the dayjob
Current Music: chatter

It's been, what, 2 years since I posted here?

I've had a lot going on. Lots of good things, mostly. I'll try to give y'all the highlights...

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So, there you go. I've been quite busy.

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Location: Sunroom
Current Music: Respect the Dead

The endometriosis has escalated in some really hideous ways this last month! This pushed a doctor to give me lupron depot, which has disabled my ovaries and will last about a month.

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Current Mood: calm
Current Location: the repaired sofa
Current Music: MiniMinuteMan

Things I have learned actually help with my endometriosis:

instant mashed potatoes, for the nausea
protein coffee drinks, because solid food makes the entire body furious no matter how good it tastes and straight coffee sometimes is just too damn painful-- this way i get actually useful fuel with less pain
fennel and/or licorice tea, but not mint
filtered water because i'm allergic to copper and our pipes are copper
scalding hot baths or hot water bottles, not showers, because this overwhelms my skin nerves and causes temporary elevation in endorphins from the acute pain, relieving pain elsewhere.
getting hotboxed by other people because I can't consume the devil's lettuce directly in any form for a variety of incredibly annoying reasons -- and i have no idea why secondhand works so well for pain management and google has no answers i've found
dicyclomine, which is an IBS medication that slightly relaxes smooth muscles in the abdomen, which reduces a SMALL amount of the endo pain
doxycycline, which is an antibiotic shown in lab studies (petri dishes) and anecdotal self-report evidence to reduce the growth of endometrial lesions
yoga, but like not in a crunchy white lady way and is helpful only for the wind down symptoms and between-periods pain/inflammation
avoiding high fat foods, gluten, dairy, and most preservatives-- but not in an anorexia way, like these things actually cause observable worsening of my intestinal problems which aggravates the endo because my internal organs are spackled with that shit

Things that I was told will work that are actually bullshit:

anti-inflammatory medications-- "endo is an inflammatory condition just reduce your inflammation" go directly to hell, do not pass go, do not collect $2000, you idiot goddamn doctor
more cardio -- i have endo lesions that grow in my leg muscles, which means that overexercise can cause them to rupture which is fucking excruciating
opioid pain medications-- this one was a real surprise but i discovered after an unrelated surgery that the medications i was given (The Good Stuff, none of this tylenol+ shit) did nothing at all to cover up my endometriosis pain
ginger powder, tumeric, pine needle tea, rose hips, chammomile tea, cinnamon, garlic, green tea-- i eat and drink so many fucking plants on a regular basis and they don't do shit for the endo or its peripheral symptoms.
N-Acetylcysteine, which is a supplement used to treat aspirin overdoses which purportedly helps endometriosis. it does absolutely fuckall.
weight loss -- when i dropped 100 after the stroke my endo only escalated because weight loss tells the body its in danger which increases your stress hormones. more stress hormones over time means more inflammation and pain.

This month endo is absolutely destroying me. I'm pretty sure I say that every month but holy shit does everything hurt right now.

There are endometriomas growing on my appendix and possibly my kidneys. Not only that but they're also starting to grow inside my vaginal wall and vulva, as endo can travel from the pelvic muscles/ligaments and down the legs, all the way into my upper right thigh. They're definitely growing in places that are too close to my urethra and my clitoral nerves, too, just based on where i'm feeling pain and experiencing other problems.

That's to say nothing of the hormone headache I've had for three days and the unrelenting nausea. The heart palpitations and overall weakness.

I'm really fucking over this. Cure for endo when?

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Location: the loving crush of the blanket nest

Today I had a new experience with my sensory processing— one I hope I don’t repeat ever again. At the grocery store self-checkout all of the machines were set to the highest possible volume and were all in use at once. About thirty seconds of this had me so dizzy that I nearly fell over. Moira had to finish buying our groceries for me.

This isn’t my normal response to cacophonous noise— usually I’m not bothered by it but if I am then I process it as pain and then irrational anger. I don’t tend to get ever dizzy unless I’m very sick or have been hit rather hard in the head, so this was startlingly unpleasant.

0/10, do not recommend

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Location: blanket nest
Current Music: The cats’ purring

It's inspection day and I'm feeling... surprisingly okay about it. The person doing the inspecting is due to arrive any minute.

The process of getting the house tidied was simple-- we keep a really clean house to begin with, barring sibling's incredible clutter (which they keep contained to their bedroom), and a friend came over to help out with the preparations. Sibling also rallied quite a bit, despite a migraine, while I was at work this week. Right now the house is immaculate. It's really nice. It feels quiet and restful in a way that our space rarely does.

Outside of quietly freaking out about this dumb inspection, this week has been alright. I have a pal who also has SAD on twitter with whom I've been exchanging cat photos. That's something I look forward to every day.

I've also taken to watching Mushi-shi in the evenings if sibling isn't well enough for company and I quite like the show. It's beautifully animated and written to be quite introspective. I'm used to monster-of-the-week style shows, animated or not, being action-packed and loud; Mushi-shi isn't. This is a good thing. I keep learning just enough about our protagonist, Ginko, to be hungry for the next episode. I'm digging the animist philosophy that clearly underlines the writing throughout. I'm hoping I get some downtime in which to watch more of this show soon.

This is the winter of anime, it seems, because we watched Yuri on Ice last week. This felt like watching a fanfic, but in the most complimentary way possible. It was a cozy sort of series and wholesome as hell. Now, we're working our way through Tokyo Revengers-- I like the time travel premise a lot but so far the execution is a bit grating as there's an outsized focus (in my opinion) on a repeatedly-fridged love interest.

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Location: the ugly club chair
Current Music: Hozier - Someone New

in this week's issue of unexpected not great events: the leasing company has decided a property inspection is necessary for us to renew our lease.

This is legal and not hard to prepare for just ... badly timed. And a horrible trigger for me personally, since I grew up in government housing with the constant threat of eviction if someone decided our toilet seats weren't clean enough to lick.

I'm coping with this intense anxiety in a variety of ways but the big one is stating for myself over and over that this is a bit of theater. We must construct the perfect scene. A scene of tranquility Docility. One that will trick the ruling classes into believing that we are not a threat. They must not suspect that we have rich interests outside of labor or that our labor overtaxes us too much.

This means that it's all about exteriors, eye-lines, flat surfaces, smells, and light. Exteriors must be tidy, eye lines must be free of clutter, flat surfaces should be empty, smells should be unobtrusively clean, and the light must be good.

If all of those things are sufficiently unremarkable then no one will be any the wiser to the fact that two chronically ill and stressed-out queers live there and we can continue to live there, maybe, hopefully. If we are especially lucky, they won't hike up our rent, either.

I have a friend who's agreed to a video call for body doubling tonight, too, which is an extra special blessing because 1) I have made a friend!!! and 2) they will go out of their way to help me out.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Location: the batcomputer
Current Music: Ella Fitzgerald - It's Only a Paper Moon

This morning we went up the mountain to drum up the sun-- an annual ritual of goading the earth into closer orbit to that blessed ball of sky plasma through music-making. It was pretty damn neat. I'm wind-sore and tired as heck-- wake up time was 4 a.m.-- but I'm glad we did it. It felt good.

Mostly, I was focused on the mountain. I don't know much about it, except that the amphitheater in question is carved into stolen land and the "developer" who commissioned it had his house (located elsewhere on the mountain) burn to the ground after being struck by lightning. I can't help but find that to be a bit of retribution, although the mountain is owed more than that for what's been done to it. It felt... correct to make offerings and dedicate the music I was able to make to the mountain. A relief, like paying off part of a debt that's been outstanding for too long.

I hope that I can carry that into the new year: making things right, even if it's only by small degrees, for myself and for those I love.

Traditionally, we'd spend the next 4 days telling stories to continue keeping the dark at bay. I think that this year that might look like watching a lot of movies-- and my new close reading project with The Poetic Edda.

Wherever you are this week, whatever you're up to, I hope that Yule is gentle for you. I hope that you are warm enough and are not hungry. I hope you're able to take some time to pause and look at some light, and to hear or tell some stories.

Current Location: the world's least comfortable sofa
Current Music: Batya Levine - We Are Good, We Are Flawed

Watch on YouTube

I have an overly long playlist of music that recalls, for assorted reasons, my deities. Sometimes the algorithm has good contributions to it:

I called up the moon for a little consultation.

Yes, you know that I'm a happy man

But something in me is burning.

I gotta push it, push it out, push it, push it out--

So much frustration.

The moon called me back

And said, "I'll give you some advice:

You gotta live a little lighter,

You gotta breathe a little deeper,

You gotta suck it, suck it in, suck it, suck it in--

There's your medication.

If you pray to God for rain,

Don't you complain about the lightning!

If your asking for directions,

Don't you moan about the distance!

Must you lose it, lose it all, lose it, lose it all

To find your appreciation?

If you rid of all your baggage,
you will likely float away!

But you can't know beauty if you don't know pain.

Gotta feel it, feel it all, feel it, feel it all.

There's your medication.

You know you are as small as the things you let annoy you,

And you know you are gigantic as the things that you adore.

Some days you give thanks--

Some days you give the finger--

It's a complicated creation."

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: the world's least comfortable sofa
Current Music: Cloud Cult - Complicated Creation

I'm stressed so I'm thinking about religion.

A sentiment that I keep running into, implicitly, in polytheistic spaces is this bizarre ass idea that a person being a polytheist makes them, in some way, morally good. Sometimes even morally better than monotheists. This notion is wildly incorrect and it drives me batty. This is because polytheistic faiths cannot be inherently about morality, no matter what Christian hegemony asserts on the subject.

( someone get the pasta fork )

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: the solid embrace of the floor
Current Music: Concrete Blonde - Help Me

I have to give it to Gus DiZerega: he can title a book well. God is Dead, Long Live the Gods was pretty compelling when it came up in the “Recommendations” list on my GoodReads. I anticipated, as the book’s tagline promises, “a case for polytheism”, a series of arguments designed to persuade the reader toward polytheistic worldviews, showing how polytheism is somehow “better” at building a functional society and relationship with the Earth. While I don’t need any persuading on the faith front, and I don’t believe polytheism is superior as a general rule, I was interested to see what Mr. DiZerega had to say.

That’s about the end of the nice things I have to share about this book.

To start, structurally I find nothing enjoyable here. The entire thing is written as if the author took a high school 5-paragraph expository essay’s guidelines far too seriously while simultaneously ignoring them. Very seldom are individual concepts and cited sources connected using thoughtful transitions and synthesis of the author’s own ideas and argument. Yet, he made damn sure to get an academic citation into almost every single paragraph of the book. It reads a bit like being browbeaten by your 15-year-old cousin who’s just discovered Reddit and now believes himself to be a philosopher. It’s shallow and poorly thought out. Based on this alone I can’t recommend reading this book to anyone.

TL;DR: The author of this book does not understand who his audience is, how to write a persuasive argument, or what polytheism is.

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Current Mood: annoyed
Current Location: the ugly club chair
Current Music: LoFi Girl

Some notes on fire building in our condo, lest I forget.

using a top-down method creates long-lasting and very hot embers out of the base later of wood
use smaller (bicep width) pieces for the base layer
bigger logs should bracket the kindling
use kindling (paper and thinner sticks) to create a bridge between bigger logs
as fire continually burns down, use smaller wood pieces to maintain the bottom layer of embers, still stacking bigger pieces on top
if no flames are visible but embers are still audible it is very easy to restart the fire with a couple of pieces of well-bridged kindling and a match or two
use kindling sticks to transfer flames to opposing ends of new logs
use fireplace tools to turn logs. Sometimes this is all it needs to catch anew
regularly praise the fire as this seems to have a positive effect
don't forget to refresh the charcoal loptr by the kindling pile

Current Mood: cold
Current Location: the world's least comfortable sofa
Current Music: the crackling of the fire

Shit sucks, generally, and thinking about religion makes me feel less bad about it, so I'm gonna do that here.

Several months ago, on another site someone (I think jokingly) proposed that any religious belief is, at it's core, an expression of a desire for discipline. I believe that this is incorrect but I can see how someone from a dominantly Christian society, whose exposure to religious expression looks like people who are insincerely performative and/or malicious. While I doubt that some people do get structure/discipline from their religious practice, I would argue instead that religious pursuit is not rooted in a desire for discipline. Rather, discipline is one of the mechanism one uses in practicing faith to reach other faith-based goals.

( More Woo on Demand )

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: the world's least comfortable sofa
Current Music: Resistance Revival Chorus - Woke Up this Morning

hashiveinu invited me to talk about religious stuff, so I'm gonna talk about religious stuff.
____________________________________________________________________________

My teacher, she tells me it's a Calling.
I don't think Callings work like this.

My oldest friend only smiles, like he's winning something. I suppose he is.

He points to a pile of rocks, just like the song goes, and asks me to pick
one up and put it down somewhere else:
by this other rock, on top of that flat stone, by the stream,
just toss it on the pile there.

The rock is my job. Or my friends, or my mother,
or the myriad of modern toys he scoffs at;
it's my dubiously reliable body, or having to move house yet again, or
my entire concept of faith;
it’s learning to spin, it’s another avenue of study.

Pick it up, he tells me with a pregnant pause: but only if you want to.

It’s all trust and choice, all the time.

You could always just quit.

It’s always about choice.

It’s no skin off my nose.

As if I could just quit.

We’re building something together, you know, so … why not pick up another rock?

When I make the mistake of asking why, everything comes up peorth
again and again and again and again --
I am so tired of not knowing where I’m going.

It’s up to you.

I’m not a fool--

No one will make you.

-- I know when I’m being led by the nose.

Choose this–

I know what happens when I stop letting myself be led–
I’ve had more than enough of my deathbed.

Choose me–

Any clearer direction might see me fleeing right back to the still, clean chill of the mikveh
where no sly spirit suggests I choose anything.
I know he knows it.

Choose every step on the Road.

Bless that Lævísi, he’s a sharp one and he uses it well.
For all I gnash my teeth and complain,
I can’t say he doesn’t know me.

____________________________________________________________________________

( Woo on Demand )

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Location: the world's least comfortable sofa
Current Music: Bon Jovi - You Give Love a Bad Name

from

hashiveinu! <3

1. If money were no object, what would your ideal living situation be? Urban, suburban, rural? Alone, family-like situation, communal?
A hobbit hole on a self-sustaining and sustainable homestead in the middle of the mountains with animal-based transportation and no real need to leave. Ideally this would be part of a communal network of nearby friends and relatives so that things like harvesting and animal care would be easier to attend to. I've devoted... an alarming amount of planning to how this might look and how much money/time/resources it would take.

Unfortunately, as I get older and less abled this is less ideal as proximity to hospital care is pretty important. So, I'm starting to think some nice Victorian-aesthetic old house on a little spit of land somewhere between suburban and rural might also be nice. I'd prefer to be within an hour's drive of the mountains, though, no matter where I go.

2. How did you come to practice your current religion?

This is surprisingly difficult to answer!

The shortest version is that I've kind of always Been This Way despite others' best efforts-- including my own. After Christianity didn't stick, I read a heap of philosophy and religious texts, and found that I took to polytheism like a duck to water. For Reasons, I briefly tried to stop being a polytheist and spent about 5 years studying Judaism-- and I learned a lot and found a lot to love there. But conversion was ... not in the cards, to put it mildly.

Since the pandemic, I'm back to my heathen ways, albeit without much community to deal with as many pagans range from harmlessly batshit and/or foolish to actively evil. (While I'm sure that this is true in most faiths and philosophies, there are fewer polytheists in my neck of the woods, so it feels like I can't help but turn up the ones that drive me nuts or want to harm people like me.)

I can get into it in a bit more detail elsewhere if anyone's interested-- I love talking about this stuff-- but it definitely gets quite... ~*woo*~.

3. If you could visit any fictional world, which one would it be?

That's easy: Middle Earth. I'll take fighting evil overlords who actually announce themselves any day over this real world bullshit. Feudalism is the actual worst but at least I could stab the lord who owned my land and take it from him if I kept stabbing enough people. While this is arguably true in our current society, it would be much, much more difficult.

Also, if I don't get to be a hobbit which is the true ideal form for me, I wanna be a dwarf. They're buff as hell. (Gimli lifted like 600 lbs of dead weight in Two Towers. Seriously. Even a civilian dwarf must be So Fucking Strong.)

4. Is there any field of study you wish you could study?

Right now I'm extremely interested in nursing-- if I could go to school for it for free I would do so immediately. This is relevant to my desire to spend time building my community's self-care and emergency response skills, given the givens in our country. Instead I'm looking into how to become an instructor for classes like "Stop the Bleed" on top of my active CPR instructor certification.

Other than that, I'm interested in... a ton of things. I'd like to study music, properly. That's what I wanted to do in school before I realized that I wouldn't be likely to make money unless I was exceptionally skilled and wealthy (I am neither). I would also like to study literature more broadly than I did in school as I've started to appreciate a few Hindu poets quite a lot; regain fluency in German and Spanish and start Basque; finish my Clinical Psychology degree so that I can argue about the bullshit of the DSM with perceived authority; dig into botany and environmental science more broadly; film history is also one of my major loves. If I could, I'd also finish getting my crime scene investigation certification license because leaving skillsets incomplete irritates me.

5. Is there any historical figure that has been inspiring to you?

Oh, gosh, I genuinely don't know how to answer that one. As a wee musician I was madly in love with Nancy Wilson, Freddie Mercury, and Mozart. Right now Ella Fitzgerald owns my heart.

But as far as... figures I look up to when things are rough, or whatever, for inspiration, I can't really think of any historical figures who fit the bill. I tend to gravitate more toward fictional and mythological characters. (Surprising no one, my favorite fictional character is Bruce Banner-- the comic book iteration, particularly Al Ewing's anti-fascist take on him, not what the Disney movies have made.)

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: the loving crush of the blanket nest
Current Music: the black backed woodpeckers obsessed with the pine tree outside my window

I'm tired and frustrated and might try to nap a little before work. Here's a short list of things I like in the meantime:

Sprouts brand instant coffee
lemongrass soap
learning how to build a fire properly
wool sweaters layered over long sleeves
the absence of socks
ZeFrank videos
my sappho coffee mug
embroidery
the smell of wood burning
velvet gloves

Breakfast today was eggs and toast and I'll probably eat more of the weird "plant-based" noodles for lunch.

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: our battered dining room table

I’m beside myself with how much comfort I’m getting from our friends dropping off their spare firewood for us. We may even be able to load the car up with more tomorrow for very cheap— already split, too.

My teeth are something of a serious imposition right now but I was able to get the limit raised on the one credit card I own in the hopes of getting that particular situation remedied before my mom gets out here. I’m not thinking about how long it’ll take to pay off ... I haven’t been able to go to a dentist in 10 years, and while my teeth are in adequate shape for that state, some have started to hurt which isn’t great. They demand to be seen to and I can’t keep informing them any more… although the timing could stand to be better.

But that’s enough moaning for now. Please enjoy my cat:

Current Mood: okay
Current Location: the world’s least comfortable sofa
Current Music: Cabinet of Curiosities

This morning I watched a black-backed woodpecker zipping up and down the trunk of the tree in our little slip of a yard-- the linden that looks like a lady I've been half in love with since we've moved in, that one-- and I don't think I've ever wanted anything as much as I wanted to be him, to slip into the bird-joy of autumn-slow ants and linden sap. Just for a moment.

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: the solid embrace of the floor
Current Music: Frank Iero - I'm a Mess

because I need to think about some good shit for a bit:

freshly buzzed hair
satin stitching in embroidery
open 5ths
velvet
fingerpicking
the novelty silicone dish scrubber that has never made it into the kitchen because i stole it for petting purposes
tea tree shampoo
getting knocked around, but like in a friendly sparring way
the dog when he's bathed and also freshly shaved
100% cotton yarn, knitted
corsets
new hand wraps
fine-toothed wooden combs
completed sashiko mending
large amounts of cotton gauze fabric

Current Mood: working
Current Location: the solid embrace of the floor
Current Music: Frank Iero - A New Day's Coming

Watch on YouTube

In which iimpavid is a simple creature with simple musical affinities when she's trying to motivate herself.

Current Mood: working
Current Location: the world's least comfortable sofa
Current Music: AJR, obviously

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iimpavid

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St. incondite

patron of hard times and fiber art

Recent Entries

chronic pain stuff

long time, no see

to yeet or not to yeet

endometriosis blogging

New Autism Achievement Unlocked?

quiet

mise en scène

Halfway There

solid advice from the algorithm

religious noodles

Long Live the Gods (a review)

Firekeeping

noodling on religion again

noodling on religion

5 Questions Meme

Good Things

Noodles for Days

re: birds

A Short List of Excellent Sensations

AJR - Karma