Compassion as a Discipline

One of the greatest lessons I've had-- and continue to learn-- from Sigyn is that compassion, like hope, is a discipline. A person does not just magically experience this emotion, one must cultivate the conditions in which it thrives for it to take root. (Or maybe normal people do experience compassion easily, who the fuck knows. I just know that I don't.)

Often I feel this is incredibly stupid but highly effective.

Anyway, this is a case study for how I've been cultivating compassion.

In the early days of my wife becoming disabled, during the long decline of her autoimmune disorder, I did not have a lot of compassion. I was stuck on the "I don't understand what's happening; it was supposed to be different" and not thinking about "how can i support her through this". I wound up causing conflict and harm because I couldn't see past the end of my nose. Fortunately, we've got an ongoing dialogue about these topics and I've been learning a lot that all helps me actually display the compassion and love I want to be giving my wife, along with material support.

In no particular order, these practices include:

Not having expectations and adjusting verbal and internal scripts accordingly. As a routine-seeking autistic this is so painfully difficult to maintain so I work at it constantly. I have set myself a script for when my wife's illness demands she make on-the-fly changes. That script includes phrases like, "Okay, beloved. I'm not mad, just worried. How can I make this morning easier for you?" and, "That's okay and I love you; I'm still going to this event. Would you like me to take lots of pictures for you?" and, "That will work out okay because this isn't on a life-or-death timeline." Internally I have also trained myself toward radical acceptance because it makes my much louder emotions about routine changes easier to handle.
- It's important to note that sometimes I say these things and I do not feel happy about saying them 100% of the time-- my face is sometimes neutral at best and my tone usually ranges from flat to gentle. What matters most to my Beloved is that my actions are matching my words as she's agreed (reasonably lol) that I am allowed to feel however I feel while still trying to be a good support. This has also led to me being much more comfortable running errands and going to events alone.
Learning the crash routine and stick to it. Slowly, over time, I have learned what some of Beloved Wife's health triggers are-- weather, fast paced social periods-- and how to plan for them. I stock up on particular foods, ensure Beloved's got a crash cart is assembled, inform our friends, and switch to paper plates/compostable utensils for our week.
Seek independence. More than previous, I encourage myself to focus on independent projects. Where typically my wife and I write reams of fanfiction and original fiction together, during her crash periods I will focus on fiber art, video games, blogging, making fanmixes, and other hobbies of mine that exist detached from her. I will work on spiritwork related concerns, as those aspects of our lives will never be allowed to meet. I run errands alone, as previously stated (which has its own routine that I find satisfying). I wear headphones around the house to trick myself into thinking I'm home alone and make doing chores easier. Many people began to use "astronaut hours" during the pandemic. I use the same idea to make it easier to function wholly independently of my wife.
- At the same time, I have spent a lot of time intentionally encouraging Goblinwife to do the exact same thing. She has her dedicated Goblin hours several times a week during which we don't talk and she works on her own art, talks to her family and friends, sits outside watching the squirrels, and generally has her own space. That way, comfortable and contented solitude does not make her anxious.
Verbal validation. My wife and I both constantly tell each other how we feel about each other: I love you. I'm glad I'm doing this hard thing with you. I feel lucky that you are in my life. Behold, my beautiful wife, can you believe I get to look at her every day? Thank you for spending time with me. I like that we have separate friends and hobbies that complement each other. You did X-chore and now the house feels so much more pleasant. Singing in the car with you makes me so happy.
- We both work to acknowledge, out loud, what we appreciate about each other and our relationship. This is in the same vein as all that advice about "gratitude journaling" but less twee-sounding because if its not sincere it doesn't work.
Pay attention to what works. Mindfulness underscores ... pretty much everything on this list. At some point I started collecting data-- formally or informally-- about my relationship with my wife, what was and was not working, and then used those data to bolster communication and help me adapt how I responded. I don't like being in a purely reactive headspace, so the fundamental noticing of "what is Beloved experiencing right now? what has helped in the past to alleviate it?" is critical for making sure I can plan a response and take effective action that leads to both of us feeling comforted and satisfied and loved.
Bring it back to the root of all things: love. The feelings involved in all this are rooted in love, even when I'm feeling resentful or exhausted. I consciously link my more surface emotions to the deeper feelings at all times so that I can learn how to navigate the shallow shit that makes me into an asshole if it has free rein.

I feel resentful or exhausted at times because I love my wife and am selfish to experience life with her. I love spending time with her. I love how excited and safe I feel when we get to follow through on plans together. At the same time, I also love knowing that I get to help her feel safe when she's unwell. I feel at peace knowing that, thanks to our learning about her illnesses, I also have routines set up for when I am too ill to function, too. I love that I am competent to run a household alone or with someone who has modulating needs and abilities. I'm damn proud of the adaptivity I've cultivated so far for our household-- we're more prepared for health issues than we were 6 years ago, when this all began. We get better at communicating these things year over year.While none of this is especially glamorous, these are some of the bones that make up "having compassion" or "showing compassion". The action is critical and the emotions will follow with time and careful cultivation.

Your mileage may vary, of course.

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I am by no means a normal person, but I do think that compassion is something you have to train even if you're 'normal' (as I think we've all unfortunately experienced at some point). Almost nothing in life truly comes from nothing, from the ability to recognise your emotions, to the ability to walk. If one does not train understanding, empathy, compassion from a young age, then one will likely not have it come easily. Compassion is a combination of skills and knowledge, including the very crucial answer to "What types of suffering even exist?" (can't provide help to a problem you are unaware of). I've always been more of an empathetic ("sensitive") person, but I still had to train myself to not assume people's circumstances (eg. I used to be very quick to assume wilful ignorance and laziness with regards to academic ability unless I was friends with that person). I think emotional compassion comes pretty easily to me now, but there's always still more to learn about expressing that compassion in ways that actually help people on a case-by-case basis.

I can really appreciate this perspective!

I've begun to suspect that most traits assumed to be innate to people are, in fact, learned, culturally/socially-informed, and otherwise require intentional practice to develop.

This is similar to what I struggled with after my friend's stroke. Thank you for sharing this.

It's hard to care for a loved one with a disability-- I also had a stroke in my 20s and these days the autism can become disabling thanks to burnout, so I've been on both sides. I hope this can help and be validating.

Both parties being willing to communicate their needs with kindness (e.g. I Statements, validation of feelings, shared understanding of priorities in the relationship) seems to really help ease conflict as someone is going through the process of learning how to live a disabled life. There's a lot of grief to process. A lot of change. It's real hard.

It's even harder when they can't speak or write. I'm just lucky my friend has always been very accepting of life in general and mentally resilliant. I could not have handled it with a tenth of the grace.

That's really interesting. I consciously work on feeling compassion, too, because it doesn't come easily or naturally to me, either. There have definitely been times when I've wondered if there's just something that's broken in me, so I really appreciated seeing your post.

I'm glad this could be validating! <3

A lot of social feelings are learned as well as innate, more so than a lot of humans I've talked to are even able to articulate. I think it's important to try to break down "how do I demonstrate this healthy emotional dynamic in my life" so that I can recreate it whenever I can. If that means there's something broken in me, then so be it.

I think the thing that is most important is how my behavior impacts those around me. Am I building good relationships that benefit all parties involved? Do my loved ones rely on me and respect my boundaries? Can I be present to hold something challenging with someone when they are vulnerable? I try to behave in ways that models and facilitates the answers I want to see to these questions.

Compassion as a Discipline

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